Why People-Pleasing Leads to Anxiety and Burnout (And Why It’s Not a Personality Flaw)
When people ask me whether I am “in recovery” from alcohol, my answer is always the same: no, I am recovered.
Why? Because I don’t think about alcohol anymore. It’s not something I resist or negotiate with. Alcohol feels like a past relationship — it was significant at the time, I learnt a lot from it, but it’s no longer part of my present. There are memories attached to it, yes, but they don’t pull at me.
People-pleasing, however, is a different story.
I would describe myself as a recovering people-pleaser.
I’ve made enormous steps forward. My boundaries are clearer. My nervous system is more regulated. Saying “no” no longer feels like a moral crime. And yet, occasionally, I still notice that old familiar whisper, like a ghost that sometimes is still lurking in the loft: Don’t disappoint them. Keep the peace. Make it easier for everyone else. Don’t be difficult.
That difference taught me something important.
Some patterns leave when we remove them from our lives. I appreciate it’s not this way for everybody else, and it took me a few years to reach this point, including a ridiculous amount of self-work.
Other patterns, though, are relational and wired much deeper in our psyche.
And people-pleasing is one of them.
People-Pleasing Is Not Niceness
Let’s start with an important reframe.
People-pleasing is not kindness.
It’s not generosity.
It’s not being a “good person.”
It is a nervous system strategy.
Most people-pleasing patterns develop early in life in environments where:
Conflict felt unsafe
Love felt conditional
Approval felt earned
Emotional expression wasn’t always welcomed
Your nervous system learned very quickly that harmony equals safety. And that you had to keep the peace at all costs, even if that cost was to yourself.
So you became perceptive.
Attuned.
Responsible.
Helpful.
In other words, highly functional.
The problem is not that this strategy worked.
The problem is that it worked too well — and your system never updated it.
Why It Leads to Anxiety
People-pleasing requires constant monitoring.
You are scanning for:
Tone changes
Facial expressions
Shifts in energy
Signs of disappointment
That level of vigilance keeps your nervous system in a low-grade threat response. Even if nothing dramatic is happening.
Your body does not distinguish between:
“Someone is mildly irritated with me”, and “My belonging is at risk.”
So anxiety becomes the background song in your life.
Not because you are fragile, but because you are over-attuned.
And when your nervous system is constantly anticipating relational danger, it doesn’t get to rest.
Why It Leads to Burnout
Burnout is not always about workload.
It is often about chronic over-functioning.
When you people-please, you:
Say “yes” when you mean “maybe”
Say “maybe” when you mean “no”
Take responsibility for emotions that aren’t yours
Suppress your own needs to maintain stability
You override your biology.
And biology always sends the invoice.
Eventually, exhaustion appears.
Resentment creeps in.
Your body tightens.
Your patience shortens.
You might even find yourself thinking:
“I’m doing everything right. Why am I so tired?”
Because you are living in a constant state of subtle self-abandonment.
That is energetically expensive.
Why It’s Harder to “Quit” Than Alcohol
Alcohol is external.
You remove it from your environment, change your habits, build new neural pathways, and over time the pull reduces.
People-pleasing is relational.
It is reinforced socially.
You are praised for it.
Rewarded for it.
Relied upon because of it.
And often, it forms part of your identity.
Being “the strong one.”
“The reliable one.”
“The easy one.”
Letting go of that can be destabilising.
If alcohol felt like a relationship, people-pleasing can feel like a personality trait.
But it isn’t.
It is a survival response that once made sense.
The Nervous System Piece
Here’s where this becomes important.
You cannot out-think people-pleasing.
You can understand it intellectually.
You can read about boundaries.You can promise yourself you’ll do better next time.
But when the moment comes — when someone looks disappointed — your body reacts before your mind catches up.
That’s because the pattern lives in your nervous system, not just your beliefs.
Real change happens when the body learns that:
Disagreement is not danger
Disappointment is not abandonment
Boundaries are not rejection
This is why somatic, body-based work is so powerful for these patterns.
We’re not just creating new thoughts.
We are updating old survival responses.
From Pleasing to Choosing
Being a recovering people-pleaser does not mean becoming cold, detached or selfish.
It means moving from a place where I’m pleasing to one where I’m choosing.
You can still be kind.
Still be generous.
Still care deeply.
But now your “yes” comes from steadiness — not fear.
And your “no” no longer feels catastrophic.
It feels regulated.
That shift changes everything.
Anxiety reduces.
Burnout softens.
Resentment eases.
Not because you forced yourself to be different.
But because your nervous system finally feels safe enough to be.
If you recognise yourself in this — the high-functioning exterior, the internal exhaustion, the difficulty setting boundaries — you don’t need more willpower.
You likely need support at the level where the pattern was first learned.
If you’re ready to begin that work, you’re welcome to book a consultation session with me.
This isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about finally feeling steady as yourself.
